All’s left is an empty void of nothingness

I am fascinated by my thoughts for it being scattered that I cannot fathom, or lost in depths of my crumbling mind. And apparently, school doesn’t make it all better (nothing new here), specially when there are unfortunate cases that has been going on recently. This whole week has been overwhelming. Exhausting. What bothers me completely is that, I am not even physically tired. I am worn out emotionally, and psychologically. Oh, what I would give If I could just go on a hiatus, sleep for 10 years, forget about the world, and drift into the unknown.

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Regrets

There are certain memories in my past that bothers me until now; the words I wish I never said, the things I wish I never did, and the people I wish I never met. I was always told that we should not let the past be a hindrance to our present. I know I should have tried harder not to remind myself of them, but how are we suppose to move further when every thing you do it reminds you of what should have happened if you did not fuck up. All that is left now is that inevitable feeling of remorse, and that lingering question, “what if?”

Where Rainbows End

I couldn’t begin to collect my thoughts, much more to put them into words and describe how I feel. One thing I am very sure of is that the eyes can be a tear factory just by reading a stack of papers bound together on the side (or in my case, a really heavy electronic material brilliantly engineered by the people who love their apples). I wouldn’t make things complex. As you know, I was reading a book (or an epub will do too) entitled Where Rainbows End, and it’s not a guideline about finding a pot of gold or how to avoid leprechauns when you’re there. It’s about stages of life in a few people’s perspective. I can only share what I learned, as I do not want to spoil anyone from having to experience living somewhere, re-living dreams, going places by your imagination, and be surprised by different twists (you name it).

 

love-rosie-3

Perfect picture ever. Can’t wait for the movie by the way!

 

All I can say is that life is a novel. It has different chapters, each is a bridge to deliver a better and meaningful plot. Chances are lost. New opportunities are found. People come, and so we eventually have to bid farewells to those who chose not to stay. There will be a few people in your life who will stick until the end, be sure to not take them for granted. Sucking in life from time to time is not that bad if you think of it. Just like what the guy next door imprints, “Mistakes are the portals of discovery” ;). You’re never too old to learn and educate yourself. And as for love in this story (Since it’s a romance novel), I would compare it to a moon viewed by an observer from the earth, it has different phases. Each one may be distinct from one another but the composition is the same thing. Only viewed in different perspectives (Oh what price I would pay to actually make sense of what I always wanted to say). I couldn’t say any more for I still want someone to discover what I had.

P.S Live your life and make it count. Can I get a hallelujah.

Love,

Sarah

Whatever happened to my life

I am so tired to be tough. To act like I am not hurt but I can’t. They say when the pain is to much, the body will just break down. I guess that’s what happened. I am a living human who is capable of feeling too. I am so mad and disappointed at the people around me.

Is it too selfish if I asked for an attention from those people I love and I care about? I just want to be loved and cared for too. Cause it feels like I am living in this world alone. It feels like I have no one to lean on. It feels like I’m facing everything myself. I don’t fucking feel special at all like everyone from the internet is telling me. I just need someone cause even those I call friends gave up on me.

Tired of exerting effort and making those people I are about, feel better, or even special. Is it egotistic or self centered if I ever asked for them to return the favour? Cause it probably is and I don’t even have the guts to tell what I feel and to ask. I don’t want to sound needy.

And the illusion of all the beautiful people

The problem is, I’m easily attracted to people who makes you feel special.

THEY ARE THE NICEST! They treat you right, they make you fall out of love with just a smile and a couple of sweet notes.They make you appear like, you really are an interesting person in their eyes. You, finally are, appreciated. Don’t. They are like angels that captivates you with the sound of their harp, surely a music to your ears, that makes you eager to want their attention.

You. Are. Already. Bewitched. By. Their. Charms. Don’t.

Remember that Lucifer was once an angel. Don’t fall on their trap. Don’t let them have the ability to hold you, head over heels. Because when you do,and you already care to much, and you’re so high of all the dopamine that rushes through your brain, that you’ll loose yourself, and your mind out of it. It will bound you, chained all over you, your Achilles’ heels, that would lead you to your ultimate downfall. Because eventually, they will leave you hanging, left with an unrequited affection.

 

Update

I just received the most heartbreaking message ever. My lolo passed away. my heart was shattered to pieces and I was so devastated by the fact that, I can’t be there. for my Dad, my cousins, my grandma and everyone on our family.

Not so 18 and legal

I really envy kids my age. They get to go out of their house and have fun without their parents ransacking all the chances that they have. Seriously, I am all locked up in my room this whole holiday vacation because my Dad won’t even allow me to do anything outside of this house. I wasn’t even allowed to visit a friend on a hospital for the reason that it is fucking far? I hate my life. It feels like I am living in a prison and I’m really tired of it and one lesson learned from that, staying inside the house too much, is depressing. Specially when you’re an only child (No wonder I am always sad). And my Dad, is not always here, and whenever he is here, he’s not much of a speaker. Indeed, a man of few words.

I should have been living my life as an 18 year old, and not a high schooler. I mean, I want to go out and have fun, enjoy my youth, and be with my friends. I am not even that hard-to-manage-child who is easily influenced by negative vibes. I will definitely be home at 10 o’clock.  I don’t smoke, I don’t get drunk, I didn’t have sex, and I don’t do drugs. I mean, I get the fact that parents are worried and they only want their children to be safe. But, the only thing I want to do outside is buy a book, read it on a coffee shop, or improve my photography skills, fucking socialize, and enjoy nature. What is so scary with that? Now, I only have 2 days of vacation left and it makes me furious that I didn’t get the chance to enjoy it properly, like the way I want to.

Fuck my life.