Contains graphic language. Not suitable for very young minds. Go cry to mummy.

Thoughts so far

I am being pulled by gravity to the state of melancholy and remorse. I feel extremely irrelevant to the world, probably because humans are nothing but a speck of dust compared to the immense scale of the universe; the same universe where tens of thousands of galaxies rest into a complete black hole of nothingness. Even the comparison of both ideas with one another is a compliment to being human. I mean, In reality, we have nothing of resemblance to a dust in parallel to the vastness of the entire intergalactic space. We may even be tinier than a subatomic particle. Sucks right? You exist in the world where it does not even recognize your actuality. That is the nearest description to the representation of my irrelevance in the environment I am in.

Some people might even result to a lecture that the answer to the million dollar problem is to just leave it all behind, and not think about it at all, for it being simple and such an incredibly shallow thought. To the people who say that you chose to be treated depending on how you are around everyone, or your attitude towards a person defines your relationship with them, and that you and only you perceive yourself as irrelevant or unimportant:

FUCK YOU and your lack of empathy.

People experience things differently – this is a cliché phrase that has been overused now, but happens to still be accurate. Apparently, things does not always happen to our liking and comfort. Now, your solution may be applicable to a few, but would you accept the fact that; (1) some people deal with certain challenges and no matter how hard they try to fit in, they always end up being the odd man out or the last one picked. It’s not a choice. And, (2) is it still their fault to care too much and not always having people to back them up and care about their existence? I don’t think so. So fuck you and your misconceptions about reality. Your optimism is killing me.

To make up for the extremely low spirits, you still secrete carbon dioxide that is essential to the flora A.K.A plant life. So, okay. Maybe we are not that irrelevant, and maybe I’m exaggerating.

Adios, bitches!

Frustrations, and all the things that make my life bright and beautiful (Explicit)

Phase 1: The utterly unpleasant turn of events

It was such a lame boring school life. I was only around the University for a day since we keep on having multiple class suspensions throughout the week. Two freaking typhoons in a week. And oh I have never been pissed off my entire life by hearing cancelled classes. I was looking forward to how great this week is going to be, hell it turned out a complete train wreck. It was supposed to be our much awaited retreat trip from Monday until Wednesday, to this heavenly-peaceful looking place. But to our surprise, it was cancelled a night before, for the reason that there’s a storm and it’s gonna be a massive rain throughout the entire week based on the weather forecast. Monday came and there’s no sign of a heavy pouring rain. Only a beautiful sunny day perfect for a morning stroll. Amazing. All that I can do to my 3-day free time is to fatten up by eating the snacks I bought for the trip, and loathe upon making my religion class scrapbook.

Phase 2: I fucked my way spiraling down

Yet again, I have done nothing entirely productive but crawl under the warm sheets of my blanket, and waste my life in the depths of the internet. As I was lurking around social media, I saw people posting photographs of newly bought books from an event that is currently happening. I began to get curious seeing captions tagged with word combinations of book fair, and sale. I gazed through the broken glass of my most precious ipod as I read the titles Manila International Book Fair 2014. Such words could make any readers’ heart race. There I realized, I have to go! Tomorrow if not later. I was feeling uneasy at 3 in the morning, being unable to breathe for awhile because I was filled with excitement and the ideas of where in the world would I squeeze the money I need for this event. And there I am almost crying myself to sleep with frustrations of how incredibly broke I am. Everyone that I knew asked me to get my parents to help. But If you really know me well, you would understand that it’s a bad idea for the fact that I hate the feeling of having to owe someone money, specially when it’s for my own amusement. Also, I don’t think my mother would love the idea of it. Oh, that made me remember the first time I asked to buy a book. It was like a sudden terror that made her shiver. She bought it for me but you can still see the disgust in her face while saying “hindi mo naman kailangan ng maraming libro” (Mom, I asked for a book not meth), and that was basically the main reason why I stopped asking my parents to buy me anything unless of course it’s necessary.

So did I go to the book fair? NO. Unfortunately, the second typhoon just came in the morning. Behold the unstoppable downpour that flooded the entire NCR and spoiled me the chance of having to go.

Phase 3: And It doesn’t stop there

So we all know about the massive typhoon hitting the Philippines right now, and the unbelievable floods that make waves in the streets of Manila. So here I am watching the news, impressed on how the flood levels are worse than I’ve imagined, asking myself, how am I not surprised by these? And holy fuck I am not surprised because this shit happens literally every fucking year. I am so annoyed by how the media reacts at this particular event, like this isn’t a yearly encounter. Excuse me, you should fucking know these things by now. And I can’t help but blame everything in the local government (yep, sarah blame it all in the government), just because I feel like there isn’t anything they’re doing to remedy something like this. You fucking have an entire year and what have you done? Implement anti-selfie bills, steal people’s money and distribute it to corrupt officials, give fucking persona non gratas for being butthurt, accepting bails from murderers, sex offenders, and just anyone fucking famous who breaks the law apparently. One year and you could have probably fixed drainage systems, public highways, something that could help resolve the yearly flood incidents. Has anyone tried? No? Fuck this country. I’m done.

P.S.

One thing. So I’m staying at my dorm in Manila. Received an update that my Media Law exams (which was postponed due to some incident) will finally be on Monday at 6pm. I realized that every handouts, and notes that I have are currently back at home which is a 2 hour drive from here. I have to go back home and study, but the flood makes it difficult to do so. Let’s just say I’m currently stranded but physically comfortable.

Regrets

There are certain memories in my past that bothers me until now; the words I wish I never said, the things I wish I never did, and the people I wish I never met. I was always told that we should not let the past be a hindrance to our present. I know I should have tried harder not to remind myself of them, but how are we suppose to move further when every thing you do it reminds you of what should have happened if you did not fuck up. All that is left now is that inevitable feeling of remorse, and that lingering question, “what if?”

Whatever happened to my life

I am so tired to be tough. To act like I am not hurt but I can’t. They say when the pain is to much, the body will just break down. I guess that’s what happened. I am a living human who is capable of feeling too. I am so mad and disappointed at the people around me.

Is it too selfish if I asked for an attention from those people I love and I care about? I just want to be loved and cared for too. Cause it feels like I am living in this world alone. It feels like I have no one to lean on. It feels like I’m facing everything myself. I don’t fucking feel special at all like everyone from the internet is telling me. I just need someone cause even those I call friends gave up on me.

Tired of exerting effort and making those people I are about, feel better, or even special. Is it egotistic or self centered if I ever asked for them to return the favour? Cause it probably is and I don’t even have the guts to tell what I feel and to ask. I don’t want to sound needy.