The change I wish to see in the world.

The start of New year’s eve, I was in a phase where my life, I thought was crumbling. It was one of the darkest moments of my life, literally and figuratively speaking. Those were the times when people are celebrating that a new year has come, and there I was hidden in the dark with the misery of my own making. Until now I still feel very sad about, but I chose to fill up the hole that 2015 has taken away from me.

And so I am in the quest to seek for whatever makes me happy.

(Working Blog Post.)

And then there was madness. There was chaos. We once were kids scared by the monsters under our bed. Now we are just an empty void of nothingness, slowly realizing that the monsters we once fear, lurk within our souls.

I thought the concept of hurting for missing someone too much is non-existent. But right now, I’m aching. I am in pain of being far away from the person I care about (who probably does not care about me anyway). My.Heart.Hurts.So.Bad. And I didn’t even know this is possible. I do not know how much tears I’ve cried out of frustration for wanting to be appreciated by that someone. I don’t know how much I’ve stooped so shallow, just to be noticed.

I care about you so much it fucking hurts that I don’t know if you even know it.
Why does it hurt?
Why can’t I just stop crying?
Why do I feel like this, for just liking you.

Contains graphic language. Not suitable for very young minds. Go cry to mummy.

Thoughts so far

I am being pulled by gravity to the state of melancholy and remorse. I feel extremely irrelevant to the world, probably because humans are nothing but a speck of dust compared to the immense scale of the universe; the same universe where tens of thousands of galaxies rest into a complete black hole of nothingness. Even the comparison of both ideas with one another is a compliment to being human. I mean, In reality, we have nothing of resemblance to a dust in parallel to the vastness of the entire intergalactic space. We may even be tinier than a subatomic particle. Sucks right? You exist in the world where it does not even recognize your actuality. That is the nearest description to the representation of my irrelevance in the environment I am in.

Some people might even result to a lecture that the answer to the million dollar problem is to just leave it all behind, and not think about it at all, for it being simple and such an incredibly shallow thought. To the people who say that you chose to be treated depending on how you are around everyone, or your attitude towards a person defines your relationship with them, and that you and only you perceive yourself as irrelevant or unimportant:

FUCK YOU and your lack of empathy.

People experience things differently – this is a cliché phrase that has been overused now, but happens to still be accurate. Apparently, things does not always happen to our liking and comfort. Now, your solution may be applicable to a few, but would you accept the fact that; (1) some people deal with certain challenges and no matter how hard they try to fit in, they always end up being the odd man out or the last one picked. It’s not a choice. And, (2) is it still their fault to care too much and not always having people to back them up and care about their existence? I don’t think so. So fuck you and your misconceptions about reality. Your optimism is killing me.

To make up for the extremely low spirits, you still secrete carbon dioxide that is essential to the flora A.K.A plant life. So, okay. Maybe we are not that irrelevant, and maybe I’m exaggerating.

Adios, bitches!

The Struggle of Being

I have failed on most aspects of my life; I refused to be appreciative of the little things that demands full attention, let chances that could alter my life’s worth begone, suppress my emotions leading me to be consumed by the rage that wrecks my soul, and lastly, neglecting the very essence of life itself. It was then that I knew I was doomed to spiral down into a complete misery. I have been drunk on the thought of somehow I could secure my crumbling life, yet venturing to the deepest end of my mind did nothing but succumb to the frustrations of it that can never be fixed.

Frustrations, and all the things that make my life bright and beautiful (Explicit)

Phase 1: The utterly unpleasant turn of events

It was such a lame boring school life. I was only around the University for a day since we keep on having multiple class suspensions throughout the week. Two freaking typhoons in a week. And oh I have never been pissed off my entire life by hearing cancelled classes. I was looking forward to how great this week is going to be, hell it turned out a complete train wreck. It was supposed to be our much awaited retreat trip from Monday until Wednesday, to this heavenly-peaceful looking place. But to our surprise, it was cancelled a night before, for the reason that there’s a storm and it’s gonna be a massive rain throughout the entire week based on the weather forecast. Monday came and there’s no sign of a heavy pouring rain. Only a beautiful sunny day perfect for a morning stroll. Amazing. All that I can do to my 3-day free time is to fatten up by eating the snacks I bought for the trip, and loathe upon making my religion class scrapbook.

Phase 2: I fucked my way spiraling down

Yet again, I have done nothing entirely productive but crawl under the warm sheets of my blanket, and waste my life in the depths of the internet. As I was lurking around social media, I saw people posting photographs of newly bought books from an event that is currently happening. I began to get curious seeing captions tagged with word combinations of book fair, and sale. I gazed through the broken glass of my most precious ipod as I read the titles Manila International Book Fair 2014. Such words could make any readers’ heart race. There I realized, I have to go! Tomorrow if not later. I was feeling uneasy at 3 in the morning, being unable to breathe for awhile because I was filled with excitement and the ideas of where in the world would I squeeze the money I need for this event. And there I am almost crying myself to sleep with frustrations of how incredibly broke I am. Everyone that I knew asked me to get my parents to help. But If you really know me well, you would understand that it’s a bad idea for the fact that I hate the feeling of having to owe someone money, specially when it’s for my own amusement. Also, I don’t think my mother would love the idea of it. Oh, that made me remember the first time I asked to buy a book. It was like a sudden terror that made her shiver. She bought it for me but you can still see the disgust in her face while saying “hindi mo naman kailangan ng maraming libro” (Mom, I asked for a book not meth), and that was basically the main reason why I stopped asking my parents to buy me anything unless of course it’s necessary.

So did I go to the book fair? NO. Unfortunately, the second typhoon just came in the morning. Behold the unstoppable downpour that flooded the entire NCR and spoiled me the chance of having to go.

Phase 3: And It doesn’t stop there

So we all know about the massive typhoon hitting the Philippines right now, and the unbelievable floods that make waves in the streets of Manila. So here I am watching the news, impressed on how the flood levels are worse than I’ve imagined, asking myself, how am I not surprised by these? And holy fuck I am not surprised because this shit happens literally every fucking year. I am so annoyed by how the media reacts at this particular event, like this isn’t a yearly encounter. Excuse me, you should fucking know these things by now. And I can’t help but blame everything in the local government (yep, sarah blame it all in the government), just because I feel like there isn’t anything they’re doing to remedy something like this. You fucking have an entire year and what have you done? Implement anti-selfie bills, steal people’s money and distribute it to corrupt officials, give fucking persona non gratas for being butthurt, accepting bails from murderers, sex offenders, and just anyone fucking famous who breaks the law apparently. One year and you could have probably fixed drainage systems, public highways, something that could help resolve the yearly flood incidents. Has anyone tried? No? Fuck this country. I’m done.

P.S.

One thing. So I’m staying at my dorm in Manila. Received an update that my Media Law exams (which was postponed due to some incident) will finally be on Monday at 6pm. I realized that every handouts, and notes that I have are currently back at home which is a 2 hour drive from here. I have to go back home and study, but the flood makes it difficult to do so. Let’s just say I’m currently stranded but physically comfortable.