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To: The one who got away

I thought of writing you a song, but everything that we have been through can’t be summed up in a 4 minute melody.

There’s a problem with me. I can’t stop thinking about you. It is bad because we went our separate ways eons ago. I think it is the problem of being young and in love, we grow up, and we grew apart. Although, I still can remember everything like it was just yesterday. Every little thing is like crystal, it’s is so clear to me that it fucking hurts because I can’t move on, while you are probably having the time of your life. It fucking hurts because you found someone to take care of you while I chose to stay broken, like a mirror shattered into million pieces. Even if you glued the pieces altogether, it is still ruined. It can’t be fixed because there are gaps missing. It’s funny how I resemble my feelings to a mirror, but somehow, it fits in. I was frightened, you know. I was terrified to fall out of love, because that is how it always ends up for me. So I pushed you away, hoping that isolating myself from you would make me feel safe and protected. Well, guess what? It didn’t. I just feel abandoned and vulnerable. I tried to fix everything, to get back to where it all started, to you, thinking maybe we all deserve chances, and this is mine. So, I undo what I’ve done trying to forget you, but it’s too late. Of course, it’s always too late. This is not a Sandra Bullock movie where Keanu Reeves waited for 2 years and got the girl. Sadly, my reality can’t be produced to a movie because it sucks, so no one will watch it. I guess, you already made up your mind and realized, you’ve waited long enough and it’s time for you to move on, to finally be happy. I do not blame you though. I can’t blame you for everything that has happened with our story. You deserve this. You deserve a break and you deserve the girl. It is me who is so complex and complicated that I can’t even determine what I really want. But now, I know that it’s with you, it burdens me because it will never happen.  I am not a timelord, like the doctor, who can travel through time and space, save the universe and get the girl, or in my case, the boy.

Don’t get me wrong, this letter doesn’t mean that, I do hope one day, when the time is right, maybe, just maybe, we will find our way back to each other. This letter may sound pathetic especially to those people who knew our story, but I gave up caring. I just don’t have another space in my mind that can accommodate what other people may think. Nevertheless, this is a letter of thank you and farewell. I am grateful that I had the chance to know you. You now, are a part of me that will never be forgotten because you came into my life, and somehow, altered it forever. I hope you won’t forget about me too. And farewell, my friend, my dearest, I can’t live my life like this, always thinking about you. I read this song stanza from a book, it says, “You either have the feeling or you don’t.” We all know that I can’t have this feeling, so one way or another; this letter will serve as a reminder to let you go and hoping never to look back, ever again.

P.S. I won’t hope that you’re happy, I know that you are, and I am glad that you are.

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